No, I’m not talking about girl-on-girl porn.
What could be better than watching two movies about naughty girls, machine guns, stacks of cash, and cornrows? Lots of things as it turns out. But last night I was tired, so catching up on some bad movies sounded pretty good. After watching Spring Breakers and The Bling Ring back to back, I was surprised to find that both movies defied my expectations—in good ways and bad. They both had similarly mediocre ratings on IMDB, so I set the bar pretty low.
Throughout Spring Breakers, I braced myself for the inevitable rape scene that never happened. Every scene seemed to build tension around the typical, horrible things that always seem to go wrong during spring break. Honestly, the thought of being half-naked in a crowd of drunk, horny people terrifies me and this movie did nothing to improve my opinion of spring break in Florida. Still, I’m happy to report that not a single terrible thing happened to any of the women in the movie. Not only were they not raped, beaten, or molested, they took control of the situation and did terrible things all on their own.
Disney Stars Gone Wild
Whether they’re punished or applauded, I want to see more movies where female characters break all the rules and behave badly. I shouldn’t be surprised to see women take center stage as faux gangsters and crime ringleaders without getting raped in the process.
We can’t talk about this movie without talking about James Franco’s cornrows and gold grill. It just goes to show what incredible range he has as an actor. Just kidding, all it shows is that James Franco can look adorable in any situation. He seems to be channeling his buddy, Danny McBride, in his performance, but I think Danny McBride could have done a better job being Danny McBride. While the New York Times review compared his antics to those of Jay Gatsby, throwing machetes and cash around as opposed to colorful silk shirts, I viewed him as more of a grown-up Arnie Grape who’d gone down the wrong path.
After suffering from neon-induced vertigo by the end of Spring Breakers, I turned on The Bling Ring to help me fall asleep. The verdict: bad, so very bad. It wasn’t that the acting was dreadful necessarily, or that Emma Watson’s American accent came off sounding like a Brit with a speech impediment; it had more to do with the fact that nothing happened. The characters were one-dimensional. It begins with the end and ends with the beginning. The entire middle section seemed to a continual loop of the same events set on repeat. Let’s put it this way—if this movie were a piece of furniture, it’d be a glossy, cheap round tabletop from Ikea. On a positive note, it did help me fall asleep.
As a fan of Lost in Translation and Marie Antoinette, I expected more from Sofia Coppola. But I also suspect the story wasn’t all that interesting to begin with. She convinced Paris Hilton to make a cameo and let them film in her actual residence, which adds a clever, real dimension to the fakeness highlighting every angle of this movie. Sure, there’s a feminist message in here—we can all cave under the pressures of an image-obsessed society—but it falls to the wayside of beautiful shots and glamorous party montages.
Who cares if this movie is bad? Shoes!
Thankfully, there’s good news on the horizon. There are a few reports that Coppola’s next project will be a live-action adaptation of The Little Mermaid, which is sure to be creepy and unnerving. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for that.
And just to show you how much spring break in Florida has changed over the years, watch the first raunchy, girls gone wild video. Stay safe this spring, guys and gals!
The Revolutionelle 